


Old One Auditions

by amelia_petkova



Category: Dark Is Rising Sequence - Cooper, Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-04
Updated: 2010-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-08 17:23:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/77805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amelia_petkova/pseuds/amelia_petkova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of ficlets making fun of the movie adaptation of TDiR that came out in 2007.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old One Auditions

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to my LJ in October of 2007.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any part of _The Dark is Rising Sequence_. _Harry Potter_ belongs to J.K. Rowling. This story is meant as a commentary on the movie adaptation/butcheration.
> 
> I decided that I would rather laugh than cry about _The Seeker_, and so I wrote some more for the parody of it. They aren't strict drabbles, as I couldn't keep them at 100 words, but it's close enough. Some are better than others, but I had lots of fun writing it.
> 
> Unless otherwise specified, when "Will" is mentioned it's the Will from the movie version. It's annoying to have to constantly write it in each story, but this keeps all of us from getting confused.

**Old One Auditions**  
John Smith hammered at the shoe for the Dark Rider's horse. Listening past the clanging of his tools, he heard young Will walking up the path. John lifted his head to see the boy before the Rider and—

"Hey there," a boy said in a Yankee accent. "Any idea where I am? I was trying to find the mall—I heard it's a great place to pick up pretty British chicks."

Very slowly, John and the Dark Rider turned to stare at each other. "Who are you?" the Rider asked.

"Will Stanton. I just moved here from America."

John stood up and whapped the brat on the head with his hammer, sending him flying into a snow drift. He returned to hammering the horseshoe. "Bloody imposters are getting worse every day."

The Rider murmured agreement.

**Old English**  
Ian McShane sat on the set, frowning at a copy of _The Dark is Rising_. "Three from the circle, three from the track," he muttered. "What in the world is that supposed to mean? Can anybody explain this Old English stuff?"

John Hodge walked, looking grim. "Ian, about all this 'foreign language' stuff…" He held out a thick book. "Try reading this."

Ian McShane opened and shut his mouth several times but couldn't form any words. "What the hell is this?"

"_Beowulf_. Real Old English. _The Dark is Rising_ is Modern English."

"Shit!"

**Puppy Love**  
Movie!Will was practically drooling over a brunette who just walked by. "Get a load of that hottie!"

Book!Will was horrified. "That's _Maggie Barnes_."

"I know. Isn't that the prettiest name?"

Book!Will daydreamed of siccing the _brenin llwyd_ on the other boy. "She's a servant for the Dark."

"Is not!" Movie!Will glared. "She totally wants to be on my side."

Book!Will sighed and wondered what was taking Merriman so long. "She could squash you like a bug."

"She'd never do that. And I have all these superpowers! I can time-travel!" Movie!Will's eyes gleamed.

Book!Will once again wondered what the Dark had been thinking, to come up with this attack.

**Harry Potter and the Unexpected Horcrux**  
"Um, excuse me," Will heard somebody say. He looked up and saw a boy with messy black hair, and a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead standing next to a red-haired boy and a girl holding several books. "Are you Will Stanton?"

"Yeah. What's up?"

"My name's Harry Potter and you're a horcrux."

Will glared. "I've had enough of the insults! Just because I'm an American, you don't have to keep swearing at me! I'm already having enough problems with my family."

"And I'm sorry about that. But your soul is being used to keep Lord Voldemort alive, so we have to kill you."

"What?"

**The Dark Attacks**  
Book!Will and Merriman strode through the snow on Oldway Lane. "It is unlikely," Merriman said, "but I wouldn't be so hasty to dismiss the possibility."

"I'm just saying that it feels wrong." Book!Will tightened the belt with the Signs about his waist. "The Dark is evil, but not undignified. This movie…it's far too clumsy to be the work of the Dark."

"Perhaps," Merriman said. "I have heard that even the Rider is horrified at his portrayal."

Book!Will felt smug. "Serves him right."

Merriman could not help smiling. "Walk faster, Will. I do not want to miss our chance to have a..._talk_ with that director."


End file.
